![]() ![]() And I loved sex! Did lots of soul searching and research into gendesexuality and especially how it related to my faith. Time with her solidified that I was attracted to woman. First time I met her I was attracted, too but waited three years (!) to act on it. Her response to me was priceless “I’ve thought you were cute since the first day we met. ![]() Decided to ask out a woman friend and dated her for a few months. Coworkers were a mixed bag of how they reacted to changes. which I love Parents continued pressuring me to get married and have kids well into my 30s Mid 30s met a man that I became friends with and started dating - he was odd (didn’t have traits like typical man) and felt safe Freaked out the first time I saw his penis and refused to give him blow job Liked when he gave me oral but I hated his penis He had ED so I dodged penetration bullet He developed cancer so I married him so that my insurance would cover his treatments Parents happy I “settled down” Marriage lasted seven years with a lot of fucked up shit like not living with me but it was better that way He died of heart attack Tried to have sex with a few men but couldn’t handle it At 44 decided to reassess who I was and who I wanted to be and really be honest with myself First step dressing even more masculine complete with hats and ties. Had first lesbian encounter and liked it Said lesbian then decided that acting on lesbianism was a sin which fucked me up again Determined to be single Proposed to by a coworkefriend three times though we weren’t dating and turned him down Back to being single Propositioned by a lesbian couple to join them as a third and freaked out (wish I had said yes, might have avoided later hurt) From a young age was consistently told I was in the wrong bathroom and bullied by the bathroom police Traumatized every time I had to see GYN Pain with each exam until I completely stopped going to checkups because I panicked at the thought of anything inside me Never used tampons either Often addressed as sir Hated being called Miss, Ma’am, Ms Fixed that by getting Ph.D. I wandered away from organized church but maintained my faith. Only female in school without 80s hair Only would sing alto Tried out for male parts in Musical Theatre Couldn’t change or shower in front of other girls even so far as to change inside lockers Refused to play bells in band because it meant wearing a skirt, played tuba instead Boys called me ugly and often called gay Had dates to dances as just friends Raised in a very conservative area Zero queer people out and didn’t know anything about lesbian/gay as it was not mentioned Minimal sex ed and what little there was my parents would not allow school to teach me No parental discussion of sex/gender except “don’t have sex” Ultra-fundamentalist Christian very very strict upbringing where sex outside of marriage was a sin, anything different from cishet was a sin, marriage practically required with expected offspring Insisted from a very young age that I would never have kids as the thought appalled me Father refused to teach me anything that he deemed for males only like car repairs changing oil and tires remodeling fixing things etc Always told me to “go help your mom in the kitchen or cleaning” Escaped to college A church member spread the rumor that I was in a lesbian relationship (not true) and was ostracized by most of the congregation. Romantic/sexual fantasies had me as a male or in a male role or exhibiting “male” behavior HATED dresses/skirts HATED anything frilly HATED “girly” colors like pink Forced to wear all of the above Short hair, preferred jeans and tees Pretended to be attracted to male celebrities during gossip sessions with friends Tuned out discussions about fashion, makeup, jewelry, etc Refused to get ears pierced or eyebrows waxed when repeatedly asked by my mother. Wanted nothing to do with Barbie but loved Ken. Tomboy Played male roles with neighbor boys Wanted to be a cowBOY or soldier Never wanted to be Disney princess - I wanted to be the male hero Ignored all dolls given to me and played with GIJoes and Transformers instead. Lots of confusion, unhappiness, repression, oppression. ![]() ![]() Short story: it’s never too late to embrace the truth of who you are. ![]()
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